finals....

hmmm so lets see. To sum it all up, I spent 7 1/2 hours in the bakery making bread and a triple layer chiffon cake. Home made strawberry peach whipped cream, french buttercream, and a marbled chiffon cake. I put my heart and soul into that cake. Then I go to put it on the counter to grade, come back after cleaning and it has fallen. hmm... embarassing to say the least. I was crushed. I had a slight mental break down on the way home with my boyfriend worried sick that I was going to crash my car out of pure fluster-ed-ness. (?) Good news though, my teacher saw the cake before it fell. But nevertheless, he still saw it fall. So who knows what my grade will see. As for the bread, the moral of the story is never improvise with baking. Banana turns bread verrryyy mushy, and you cant use oats to replace wheat bran. Kinda doesnt work...So that one I am going to re-do : )

As for my mental health, Its been one of those weeks. I seriously want to escape. I am contimplating not taking any cooking labs. Yes it will be sad, but it will be a break from tedious cooking and give me free time to cook food at home that isnt being judged from all aspects. I do love my school, dont get me wrong. Its just hard. I want to crawl up in a little ball and pitty myself, but I know that would be the total wrong thing to do at this point. I think instead I will drown my frustrations is cookies, and look on the brightside. Thats the only thing I can do.

Hey, and the cake was delicious. Just ugly. So thats a plus. I can bake, I just need work on the pretty parts of food.... that will come later.

Finals have arrived!

So... I'm starting to think this whole "cooking" thing just isnt for me. I love to cook, and I love food, but after a few guest speakers and a crappy day in the bakery with white chocolate frosting (long story). I am learning that this is definitely a career that is a day to day adventure. I am frustrated one minute, creative the next, and just plain confused most of the time. I know that this is the reason I am in school for this, and what else would I do? But the problem is I feel like I know nothing at all. People are making reductions and cakes that are beautiful. I feel in over my head with projects and math and I know I am just running away from homework and putting things off until the last minute. I am worried that I will not finish or be good enough as of this point. Hopefully my final projects save me, and maybe this is a sign I shouldnt take as many classes next semester. I am just frustrated and tired, and dead lines are killing me. Its hard to be so positive when everythings on the line. I hope that it all goes well.

Let me put it this way...

my baking final-berry chifon mad hatter hat with polka dots and a buttermilk walnut bread with a banana cinnamon swirl. Well see how it goes...
The rest is all written papers and tests, but im stressed!!! I hope this semster just goes by fast and next semester isnt to bad.

my vision...

I would love to own a bakery cafe. I would serve breakfast, brunch and lunch. I would have fresh pastries, yummy sandwiches, fresh baked breads, and great coffee. It would have many comfy couches and a very homey atmosphere. It would feel like your house but much better food. It would cater to any one and everyone. I would have random art classes, and cooking demonstrations once or twice a month and would support my local community and churches. I would have a diverse menu, but with some oldies but goodies. It would be a place to eat, enjoy, and relax. I think a place that is a great place is one that gets every sense flowing. When you walk in you smell the smells of chocolate and bread and spices all working together, you see colorful flowers and plates and coffee mugs, you taste the great flavors in the food, and you feel the warm fire from the fire place or the nice comfy couches, and you hear people saying "HEY HOW ARE YOU TODAY?" or you hear great music and the sound of mixers and espresso machines..

things i must have:
-crepes
-breakfast sandwiches
-coffee/espresso bar
-fresh bread and pastries
-wine and fancy mimosas
-purple and red and orange
-comfy couches
-funny nice people who smile a lot
-a deck or porch..outside seating with tea lights and comfy outdoor furniture
-catering/preordering
-music..live music or just great music playing
-great soup and stews
-fire place
-free wi fi
-paintings and art
-community bulletin board

cakes, cakes, and more cakes...

So its been a month or so, but in this last month I have made cakes up the wazoo. I dont know if that's politically correct, but its true. I was dreading cakes! To bake a cake takes patience and precision. So many things could go wrong. I didnt see the point of making a frosting for an hour by scratch, then baking a cake from scratch for another hour than having to wait for another couple hours to frost it than eat it, but my heart has been changed... I hate when that happens. I was going along just fine without liking cakes, then all the sudden I successfully accomplish a good cake and eat a really moist cake so I cave. Darn... here goes my waist line : /

Now, I love making cakes. I've made devil's food cake (chocolate), silver cake(the most "normal" of all the cakes...comparable to box mix), chiffon cake (really moist sponge cake), and am going to now attemt the imfamous genois cake(a sponge cake on crack). Genois is a difficult, tempermental cake that incorporates folded in egg whites and melted butter. Which under any circumstances would be a bad combo, but done right and it is supposd to be the most moist cake someone will ever try. So we will see.

I still have to decide on a cake to do for my final. It is now turning into being a cake show for my friends to make the cut for a final decision. It is a choice between red velvet cake, carrot cake, lemon pineapple chiffon, or an experimental peanut butter jelly cake.. the last one is still in the works. SO well see what happens.

All I do know is, is ever since I've become a baker, I am happier and so are my friends and boyfriend : ) I am slowly realizing that even people who say they dont have a sweet tooth do, and every one is a little bit happier with some sugar in their diet.

Where is the balance between being a full fledged adult and keeping a child like view on life?

Sometimes I feel like I am hecticly (sp?) busy, and standing still all at once. I dont know who I am going to be, and sometimes dont even know who I am. And especially when it comes to "my calling" in life, I still havnt figured it out. I still am putting the pieces together as to what my "Calling" is. And my question is, is does any one have it all figured out. Because I'd like to talk to them and find out how. I feel like Im the only one who doesnt have anything figured out. All I know who is who I am now. I cant see into who I am going to be. Its a bittersweet feeling being in your 20's. There's a lot of room to grow and still a lot of time. But the choices I make today effect the rest of my life. Where is the balance between being a full fledged adult and keeping a child like view on life?
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As for a career, My boss has brought up cooking in the restaurant, but it is "only applebees." So we will see. For now I am remaining a loley server. But I do have big goals...I want to start a catering business and cater to any services people would need. Cooking lessons for kids or families or people, cater their parties or weddings or events, or baked goods. Pretty much anything they would need. Problem...money. But God will provide if it is the right thing. I just hope all the pieces get put together. We will see I still have 2 years. Crazy things could happen!

The infamous checkerboard cookies...

So I am through one month of school already! I have also made it through pies and cookies. I had to take on the task of "the infamous checkerboard cookies." They sound harmless but they are hell! Who ever heard of rolling out cookie dough. I hadn't. I also didn't know it turns into playdough. So when making cookies that you need to roll out...freeze, then play with it, then freeze more...and repeat. These cookies are yummy, but scary. All you have to know is it takes layering of two types of cookie dough then cutting, then layering more, then stacking. Its weird. But good news...I got them right on the first shot. Me and my partner in baking John, who has a key eye for precision made what the teachers assistant called, "The best checkerboards to come out of this level class." I call that a score.
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Cookies and pies werent that bad. I've made pie crusts, tarts, and now many cookies. Now is on to cakes...My down fall. Give me bread, give me danishes. I am freaked out by cakes. I can never ever ever for the life of me figure out how NOT to burn my cakes. And we have to make frosting too.... : ( even worse. But I think it should be no biggie. Ill just have my friends taste test and I guess I'll have to practice!

Its a love/hate relationship

Practice makes perfect. I am learning as I bake more that this is so true, but I am also learning that no matter how many times you make THE SAME pie crust recipe, that it may or may not be good at all!
In baking this last tuesday, it was my second time making pie crusts. My group is on pies and cookies. So we made a chocolate cream pie, and I was in charge of the lemon mirangue.... pie crusts, as much as they are complex, dont compare to mirangue...wow. There is a 1 minute window of perfection, then BAM...its overwhipped before you know it. Grrr...
I am slightly frustrated/dillusional about pie now. I think I have a love/hate relationship with pies.I am dreaming about ways to make "the perfect pie crust." I am constantly thinking about fruit fillings, cream fillings, and even random mixes of things that could go well. Even with all this day dreaming, I still cant get it right.
Today, I practiced in my off time on a lemon mirangue and chocolate cream pies. I feel like those pie crusts turned out beautiful. Flakey and moist but still delicate. The problem was the mirangue. AGAIN. SO Im coming to the conclusion that I am going to avoid mirangue at all costs! (definitely the hate part of my relationship.)
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As for the kitchen part of my training...I FLIPPED AN EGG WITHOUT ANY USE OF A SPATULA! it was so fun. I mastered it. and its way easier then it seems. Although I did break a few, but owell.
The trick is to think of it as a J motion... or i think of the pan as a skateboard ramp and the egg as the skateboard. have a well oiled non slip pan. cook the egg till whites are done. constantly moving the egg around by moving the pan in a circle. scoot the yolk to the top of the pan away from you.(counterbalancing the weight to make it easier to flip) and presto just have confidence, and flip it.
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I think thats the key to cooking or baking or even in life in general. Have confidence. Whether its flipping an egg, making a crunchy piece of french bread, or just trying something new. Try it. If you have confidence in what your making and tell yourself that you can flip that egg, sooner or later youre going to believe yourself and actually accomplish it. Its your choice to believe it sooner or later and make it happen.

Also, in the short time I've been doing this, I'm realizing how important trusting your gut is. When you think your cookies are a little to cooked, they usually are. Timers and recipes are just a guideline in my book.

And the last thing Im learning is that I thought I wasnt a baker before, but I was sooo wrong. I am really enjoying it. Yes, baking is so much more precision and less guess-timating of ingredients. But I think Im realizing the whole thing of it.
At first I was just fighting my feelings towards baking. Baking is confusing, testy, moody, and so tempermental. My old relationship cooking, was so much more flexible and easy to work with. Im seeing now that maybe I like a challenge. I love that with Baking there is always room to grow and learn. No matter how many times I think I have it mastered, I never will. And there will always be something that could be improved or go wrong from the slightest variable. But Its so therapuetic knowing that something is more complicated than me at times. lol



*** the little points on the mirangue of a pie is called "Weeping" the mirangue to make it stand up like mountain peaks.